


Off Days

by EtchCantrellorLightningHeterodyne



Series: Plot Ex Machina: Mijung and Kraagor edition. [1]
Category: The Order of the Stick
Genre: But I couldn't resist the urge to write the second part, I probably could have made this a oneshot, Nah I've still got no excuse for this, Other, Sapphire Guard OC names are pulled from both Chinese and Japanese names, Sexist/Homophobic/Neglectful/just kind of all around shitty father, Shitty Fathers, Since this is the everybody lives because fuck it timeline, Soon's dad is a piece of shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-06-02 13:55:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19442794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EtchCantrellorLightningHeterodyne/pseuds/EtchCantrellorLightningHeterodyne
Summary: Soon had a shit father. This was not news to his two spouses, the other four members of the Order of the Scribble, or the Sapphire Guard.What was news was that apparently, his father had been Rezzed, and apparently, he was dropping in for a visit before finishing up whatever business got him Resurrected in the first place. What was much better news was that now Soon didn't have to deal with him alone. Which would have been great, except that the Order was mostly comprised of current or former murder hobos, Mijung just happened to be testing out a new and improved Fireball spell, Girard still had his twin swords, and all fourteen members of the Sapphire Guard had their hearts set on being scheming little shits and paladins at the same time so they could buy their fearless leader as much time as possible, since his father's visit could only last a day and they'd all been dying to see if their respective cursed objects COULD be used to their advantage.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have no justification for this I just wanted to write Soon being happy with both of the loves of his life because my poor child deserves it after all the shit he's been through. So here have the Order being overprotective relatives, Mijung and Girard being homicidal at Soon's dad without explicitly threatening murder because Soon's in the room and Girard doesn't want to repeat the 'the houseplant became sentient and I threw it out the window instead of dealing with my problems okay yes fine arrest me' incident, sneaky paladins and just the Sapphire Guard banding together to collectively form a wall of 'FUCK OFF' between literally everyone and Soon's dad, and just for fun in this fic his name is 'turd in the wind' in Infernal according to a shady online translator, which is why it's so outlandishly weird.

Girard, oddly enough, is usually the first one up. Then again, he cooks a wonderful breakfast (as stated by the only two people on the planet he willingly cooks for) and one of his favorite hobbies is watching Soon and Mijung’s faces light up when he does. And, since it’s a pretty good day for him and coping with his own existence, the illusionist smiles, and starts puttering around the kitchen, making pancakes.

Soon and Mijung both have the day off, Mijung because she requested it and Soon because Ronjo threatened to ban him from the palace if he didn’t stop being a workaholic.

It’s not odd for him to be up for almost a half an hour before Mijung crawls out of bed to join him. Soon wakes up, and then spends anywhere between five and fifty minutes talking to his divine petting zoo (maybe it’s irreverent of him, since he’s standing in their largest city, but Girard has never given a fuck about the gods unless they gave a fuck about him before, and he doesn’t intend to start now) before joining them.

The illusionist is humming a ballad he’d learned from his mother, stepping around the kitchen on the balls of his feet (never on your toes, unless you wanted to fall flat on your face), when Mijung comes out of their bedroom, wearing a pale blue kimono that she’d only bought because it matched Girard’s eyes perfectly and all three of them found it hilarious that both Soon and Mijung started wearing lighter shades in accordance with coordinating with their redheaded husband’s eye color.

It looked good on her anyway. Some of Soon’s paladins dropped in (Ronjo had asked Soon about why Girard wasn't in the desert only once, mainly because the paladin’s response was satisfactory and probably a little bit because Mijung was very obviously flipping through a highly advanced Evocation tome and Girard was sharpening his swords at the time. Ronjo had later come to both of them and explained that no, under no circumstances would he fuck up his mentor’s happiness, especially considering the two very powerful spellcasters waiting to kill him if he did) on the three of them for dinner every once in a while, and all of them commented that Mijung and Soon were wearing matching colors. So far, only four of them had caught onto the fact that despite Girard almost exclusively wearing purples now, his eyes were, in fact, bright blue, and Soon and Mijung had started a small competition to see who could find more clothes of the same shade.

Girard smiled, leaning over so Mijung could put a kiss on his cheek.

“You’re spoiling us.”

“Of course I am.”

The wizard grinned, grabbing her spell book and her latest journal, working on some equation concerning spell components and quantities and how changing those quantities would change the spell.

Experimental magic was confusing. Girard preferred making pancakes and scrambled eggs for the person experimenting with it.

Mornings were usually happy but quiet, the only noise being Girard’s cooking and Mijung’s alternating between writing and turning pages. Both of them found it soothing. Soon did too- he used it as white noise when he meditated for his spells.

Speaking of the paladin-

“Oh  _ hell _ no,” Girard said, when Soon came out of the bedroom fully dressed and looking like he was going to try and get away with doing something productive. “You are  _ not _ doing jack  _ shit _ today.”

“And why not?”

“Well, believe it or not, we actually like living with you, and we stop doing that for three days every time you visit the palace ‘just to get a little work done’,  _ athear _ . And I’m not letting my cooking go to waste. Sit.”

Soon opened his mouth to argue.

“He’s right and you know it, honey.”

The paladin huffed and sat at the informal dining room table. Arguing with both of them at the same time was pointless, and besides, they  _ were _ right.

And they knew it. Which meant that nothing he said or did would matter because they were getting their way whether they had to gang up on him with ninth level spells or not.

Mijung didn’t look up from her spellbook, but she did give a small smile.

“I thought we weren’t doing work today,” Soon said pointedly, and Mijung sheepishly puts her journal away as Girard starts cursing in four languages because he didn’t remember to take it away from her.

The paladin laughs. It’s good to spend time with them.

He loves them. A lot.

A knock sounds at the door, and Soon gets up first, opening it to see…

...the Order. Well. The rest of it.

“Girard?”

“Yes,  _ athear _ ?”

“You might want to make more eggs.”

Dorukan and Mijung  _ immediately _ start talking about magic, something about calculus and experimental spells and quantities of spell components and the Law of Conservation of Mass (Soon had been thrilled to take a short physics class one year (Ronjo had forced him to find a hobby, Soon had taken the class, the class had ended, Soon had gone back to working at the castle on business for the Sapphire Guard for three days at a time on half as much sleep) and discover that there were, in fact, laws that Girard  _ couldn’t _ break. He held over his husband’s head every time they got into a debate over whether law or chaos was a better way of existing), and Girard and Serini start a conversation Soon pointedly ignores, because he’s already arrested Girard twice this year, much to the amusement of the Guard, and he’s not in the mood to do it again.

Lirian wanders around and talks to their houseplants, which Girard took religious care of, so not only did they have the lushest and most beautiful houseplants in the city, Soon also got to look up from his book at three in the afternoon with a concerned frown every once in a while as he heard maniacal laughter and his husband shouting ‘YOU LIVE OR  _ DIE _ BY MY HANDS!’ from the next room. 

The first time that had happened Soon had poked his head in to see Girard making dramatic speeches to their small army of potted plants, waving a watering can around and generally looking like a retired mad scientist. By now, it was background noise.

That was probably why Lirian poked her head back into the kitchen, where Kraagor, Soon, Mijung, and Dorukan sat at the kitchen table, Soon and Kraagor catching up, Mijung and Dorukan working out the math for something that would probably lead to his wife coming home with tales of yet another explosion at the lab, and Girard and Serini danced around the kitchen, the latter stealing bites of whatever the former happened to be working on.

The druid looked as close to murderous as she got without Soon worrying that she’d genuinely kill someone.

“What’s this I hear about you treating your plants like the dictators from your homeland treat their subjects?”

“I do  _ not _ treat them like that,” Girard said, no longer dancing around the kitchen on the balls of his feet (Soon and Mijung had spent many a morning doing nothing but appreciating both how graceful and how gorgeous their husband was), but still furiously stirring pancake batter as Serini continuously attempted to steal his spoon.

“Yesterday I heard you going on an angry tirade about leaf spots as you paraded the flawed plant around the room and then left the house to go plant it in Amaterasu Park so you could tell the other plants you burned it,” Mijung said, in the don’t-even-try-that-hypocritical-bullshit-on-me tone she used whenever Girard talked about his houseplants (he did something for a living, but unlike Soon or Mijung he didn’t seem to have hours or a schedule for it, which was questionable enough, but to top it off Soon kept catching him crawling back into bed at three in the morning) or Soon tried to come up with yet another excuse to go work himself to death at the palace because he felt antsy and useless and kind of guilty just taking a day to do nothing when he could be being productive.

Lirian’s glare intensified. Girard raised an eyebrow at her.

The druid might have actually smacked him with her quarterstaff when another, somewhat louder knock sounded.

“I got it,” Kraagor said, hopping off his chair and walking to the door. 

When he returned with  _ literally _ half the Sapphire Guard and four redheads that Soon and Mijung recognized as Girard’s oldest kid and his three siblings, Soon shared a glance with his wife as they both stood up. Kanta, Tiran, Sami, and Orrin all immediately went to pester their relative, but Soon walked over to where Ronjo sat with Ishonen, Maito, Suoh, Akemi, Takara, and Mei.

Mijung glanced between her husbands, before dragging the visiting Order to the table so Girard could drown in four people instead of six (Lirian had decided she did want to whack him). 

“Is there a particular reason seven out of fourteen of you decided to show up? We’re stretched thin enough as it is,” Soon said, leading his apprentice and six coworkers out of the kitchen and into the many-windowed, cushion-and-couch-and-armchair filled sitting room (the house was big and within walking distance of the castle, mainly because Soon was the person who taught the Lord of the City how to hold a sword).

“It’s… you’re really, really not gonna like this,” Akemi began. Soon sat across from her in the circle of couches and chairs- Ishonen (who was, apparently, still sleeping with Kanta on a fairly regular basis, which pissed off Girard to no end (it would have been funny if Soon didn’t live with him)), Maito, and Suoh shared a couch, Maito shoving himself between the two other boys, as always, since if he didn’t they’d inevitably wind up at each other’s throats over Kao ( _ again _ ). 

It was fortunate that despite this, the three still managed to be close if not somewhat dysfunctional friends.

Ronjo sat in an overstuffed armchair (Mijung. The bright colors in the house were Girard’s fault, the cushy furniture in the house was Mijung’s fault, and the insane amount of windows was Soon’s fault), between the trio’s couch and the loveseat Akemi shared with Mei, who had seen that it had room enough for two people and simply put her datemate, Takara, on her lap.

Oh well. They weren’t at the palace, and Soon had never really had a leg to stand on to begin with with how much of a hopeless romantic he instantly became the minute one of his spouses walked into the room.

“Is it worse than thinking Mijung had been unmade?”

“No,” Akemi replied. “But I’m honestly gonna say that it comes pretty close.”

“...how close.”

“How much do you hate the idea of your father coming to Azure City exclusively to see you and the Guard?” Ronjo asked, wincing as he did, and Soon swore with a previously undiscovered fluency in seven languages.

“Twelve  _ Gods _ , I knew you two had issues but I didn’t know they were  _ that _ bad!” Ishonen exclaimed, and Maito had actually covered his mouth in wide-eyed shock.

“...I didn’t even know there  _ were _ that many curse words,” Takara said, once Soon had gone back to swearing mentally instead of out loud.

Fortunately, none of the windows were open.

It was then that the door  _ did _ open, and Soon’s spouses walked in, Mijung sitting next to him on the couch, and Girard flopping across both of their laps, so that his feet hung over one armrest and his head rested on the other.

“You’ve only cursed that much when one of us was about to die,  _ athear _ ,” Girard said, in his usual tell-me-what’s-wrong-willingly-because-I’m-getting-it-out-of-you-either-way fashion.

Distant chatter told Soon that the Draketooths and the Scribbles had started talking.

“My father is visiting with the explicit intent of coming to see me.”

“I got the letter today, that he knows- how, I’m really not sure, but he does- about the Guard, and wanted to come see us,” Ronjo said.

Girard gave the wall across from him a confused frown.

“...I thought your dad was dead.”

“Evidently not, since he’s arriving tomorrow,” Takara groused.

Both Mijung and Girard felt, rather than saw, every muscle in Soon’s body tense.

Orrin poked his head in.

“Hey. We’re ditching- Aunt Kanta just wanted to make sure you weren’t dead before we went to visit Grandma Iridi. Auntie Sneaks is coming with us.”

“Tell them I said goodbye, alright?” Girard murmured.

Orrin’s blue eyes (that matched Girard’s, and thus both Soon’s shirt and Mijung’s kimono) widened.

His father never missed a farewell unless something big and nasty was happening, and he felt the need to be there more than he felt the need to see his siblings out the door.

The now-mute boy nodded, darting out even faster than he’d come in.

“So…” Soon began, and his voice sounded so small and so close to scared that Girard and Mijung actually grabbed one of his hands each at almost the exact same time, Mijung squeezing Soon’s right hand tightly and Girard running him thumb over Soon’s left.

They rarely did things in perfect sync without trying to. 

Mijung’s obsidian black eyes were filled with worry, and Girard knew the same worry was reflected in his ice blue ones.

“Why did all of you arrive here?”

“Because we  _ do _ have jobs, and only so many of us could dump them on other people,” Takara began. “Now. Ronjo can’t refuse him entry to the city, but we can refuse him access to the Guard.  _ However _ .”

It was then that they stood, and Mei gave a small smile as they began pacing, gesturing wildly as they explained a plan so comedically insane that it might  _ actually _ work.

“I propose that we allow him entry, and that the fourteen of us distract him from you for as long as we can. He’s only allowed one day here- he has to leave early the next morning, apparently to deal with whatever business he got Rezzed to finish. If we can piss him off to the point of giving those lectures you told us about, and if we can all do it once each besides Ronjo, who will invite him for tea and a very long winded conversation, then that’ll buy between four to six hours. If he arrives at the eastern gate at ten in the morning, like the letter said he would-”

Soon gave a humorless smile.

“I believe my father’s  _ only _ redeeming quality was his punctuality.”

“-then we can delay at the very least until lunch, which we’ll drag him to the Kimura’s for, Maito, you and Kaito will have to warn your mother-”

“Oh, she’ll be thrilled to have us all and you know it. I swear, for all that she says her hobby is embroidery, she’s more interested in hosting gatherings than anything else. And you know my twin is always down to help our fearless leader,” Maito said.

Soon looked around the room, at the people who had started as trainees and apprentices, and had gone on to become friends, confidants, and coworkers, and found himself coming to the dawning realization that if anybody outside the Draketooth family  _ could _ pull this off, it would be them.

This might  _ actually _ work, if only because Takara was so outlandishly creative that they  _ could _ come up with this, and the others were so utterly insane in so many wildly different ways that they  _ would _ see it through.

“You know you don’t  _ have _ to do this, right? I’ve dealt with him before, I’m sure I’d live.”

“He wouldn’t,” Girard replied, in the perfectly idle tone he used to talk about people he’d  _ really love _ to roast alive.

“You’ve saved all our asses at least seven times each, I think the least we can do is have fun annoying your shit father to keep him away form you,” Mei piped, from where she had gradually sprawled across the loveseat until Akemi was halfway to falling off of it.

“Think of it as a sign of how much we love you,” Suoh said.

“And you already know that trying to stop us is futile, since all of us can and will see this through for our fearless leader and his absolutely terrifying spouses,” Ishonen added.

Soon gave a halfhearted glare at the smug look on Girard’s face as Ishonen finished speaking.

“ _ Anyway _ ,” Takara said. “Does anyone have magical items we could use to stage fuck ups that would help with the getting Soon’s dad to lecture thing?”

“Boots of Fumbling,” Ishonen says.

“I’ve got a pin that turn’s the wearers clothes neon pink,” Akemi adds.

Ronjo’s grin is downright  _ puckish _ when he says “Ring of Gender Changing.”

Absolute silence blankets the room.

“What? I figured it’d help dodge assassins. And I wanted to spend New Year’s  _ not _ holed up in the palace.”

“...so your solution is to grow a pair?” Takara says, and they’re smiling in such a way that they are fully aware of exactly how bad that pun was.

“This is going to be beautiful if we succeed, and a wonderful effort if we fail, and either way it’s going to absolutely hilarious,” Maito predicts, in as solemn as a voice he can when picturing the reaction Soon’s father will have to meeting Soon’s wonderful, wonderful friends.

It is then when Lirian walks in.

“Sorry for interrupting- wait.”

The druid’s eyes narrow and a smile begins to form on her face.

“What  _ are  _ you all planning?”

Takara explains, as Dorukan and Kraagor walk up.

“...huh,” the dwarf says, when they’ve finished. “We want in.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be a oneshot but then I started writing.

The next morning arrives, after Lirian, Kraagor, Dorukan, and the Guard stayed up virtually all night planning this, occasionally updating Mijung and Girard via Aki’s raven familiar (apparently they had multiclassed in Wizard, once) which was now a very loud and very bitchy glorified carrier pigeon.

Soon had slept like the dead despite this, curled up between Girard and Mijung as he always was. There had been plenty of nights when the paladin had woken wide-eyed and terrified, but the warmth on either side of him helped. A lot.

So it was odd, when he woke up to find not only Girard, but Mijung as well, awake, in sleep clothes, and still in bed when the sun had already risen.

“Mmmmm… why’re you two still in bed? I’d’ve thought Mij would at least have a book out by now…”

“Cuddles. Cause we don’t have to worry about shit,” Girard murmured, wrapping his arms around Soon’s waist. Mijung buried her face in the back of the paladin’s neck, hugging his ribs and snuggling closer.

“So how dead is my dad?” 

“Very,” Mijung mumbled.

“...was that literal,” Soon asked, in a tone that told his spouses that he was, in fact, a little worried.

“Nah, I made Lirian pinky swear. And Serini is off visiting my mom,” Girard said.

“Kinda wish I could see your fourteen proteges try to be sneaky little shits and paladins at the same time, but I wanna cuddle more because I’m sleepy and I don’ wanna get up,” Mijung added.

Soon sighed, resigning himself to the fact that no, he was not getting out of bed that morning.

Except that it would be rude to leave Ronjo alone with the paperwork Girard had banned from the house.

“Okay, I do have a  _ job _ -”

“Not today,  _ athear _ ,” Girard said.

“I can’t just leave Ronjo there, I have to-”

“No, you don’t,” Mijung added.

“But-”

“ _ NO _ ,” they chorused, in perfect unison.

“I-”

“The fuck did we just say,” Girard muttered into Soon’s hair.

“You-”

“Soon, I love you dearly, but I swear to the Twelve Gods if Hold Person is what it takes to keep you from leaving this bed I had time to regain my spells before you woke up and I  _ will _ use them.”

“Why!?”

“Because the whole point of today and the wonderful efforts of the Sapphire Guard is that you  _ don’t _ have to deal with your dad!”

Soon blinked, at it occurred to him that he was arguing with his spouses while cuddle-sandwiched between them in their giant king sized bed, and that it  _ would _ be rude to waste the Guard’s efforts, and they really had seemed to be trying so hard when they visited yesterday-

“Also Ronjo banned you from the palace for the rest of the week,” Girard said, and Soon’s attempts at not wasting the Guard’s efforts went out the window.

“WHAT!?  _ WHY _ !?”

He felt, rather than saw, both Mijung and Girard wince, but since they were both currently holding him prisoner, he was inclined to be unsympathetic.

“Because you’re a workaholic who barely comes home to see the two people he married? Because you’ve been steadily drowning yourself in paperwork for the Guard as an excuse to chug caffeine like we used to chug healing potions? Because aside from yesterday we’ve barely seen you for a month?”

The paladin growled at Girard, and Girard growled right back, and since the same genetics that enabled him to purr like a dragon enabled him to growl like one as well, Soon decided to settle for fuming at him instead.

“Deal with acting like a normal human being who takes vacations,” Mijung groused.

“Says Mijung I’ll-investigate-the-rift-like-I’m-at-work-even-though-I’m-on-vacation Kim,” Soon fired back.

“Neither one of you have a leg to stand on. You’re always at the palace,  _ athear _ , but you’re only at your lab  _ slightly _ less,  _ kepesk _ . And I’d like it much better if you  _ both _ would come home once in a while.”

At that, both Soon and Mijung go silent.

It’s quiet, for a little while. 

“I’m sorry for spending so much time away,” Mijung said after a bit. “I should be more careful about getting caught up in projects.”

Girard smiles, reaching over to rub her shoulder.

“Just make sure you’re happy,  _ kepesk _ .”

Morning at the palace was a different story. Lirian had managed to rope the  _ entirety _ of the castle staff into helping, with Ronjo’s assistance, and every member of the Guard had prepared different and equally insane routines to try on Soon’s dad.

Zfrv’Ul Zmy’Sulv (apparently Soon’s grandparents had taken a liking to Infernal) arrived, as he had said he would, at exactly ten in the morning. He was stout, armored, and generally looked like the most stoically unpleasant person alive.

Dorukan was waiting for him.

“Oh! You must be Zfrv’Ul, it is  _ truly  _ wonderful to meet the man who raised the great Soon Kim.”

Zfrv’Ul raised an eyebrow at the  _ extremely _ sarcastic wizard in front of him.

“And you are?”

“Dorukan. I was a member of Soon’s party- I helped create the five Gates, and with such an impeccable party leader as Soon was, I became more powerful than I’d ever thought I’d get the chance to be. Creating the Gates might have been one of my greatest achievements- without him, I doubtlessly would have been unable to.”

Dorukan continued to ramble about the Gates, getting into spell particulars and all the hard work he’d done and how no, really, Soon was  _ amazing _ .

He was only 100% serious about what he was saying when he was complimenting the paladin- Soon really was amazing, just in general.

The wizard had very deliberately picked the longest, most winding route to the palace, knowing full damn well it would take them almost an hour to get there. When he ran out of ways to talk about the Gates he started talking about the Sapphire Guard.

They really were Soon’s pride and joy, and Dorukan could see how much of a good influence the paladin had been on them.

It was heartwarming, and a great way to piss off Zfrv’Ul.

“Ahem. Mage Dorukan, you mentioned several times that you collaborated with someone on the Gates- may I ask his name?”

At  _ that _ , the wizard actually paused.

_ Oh. He’s  _ that _ kind of asshole. _

“Her name is Lirian, she’s an elven druid and helped Soon found the Order. They’re basically siblings- nothing quite like discovering the rifts together to bond over, I guess.”

Zfrv’Ul looked vaguely like he’d swallowed something distasteful.

“Hm. I wouldn’t think a woman capable of magic on her best days- it does seem to me you did most, if not all, of the heavy arcane lifting, yes?”

“Uh- no. No, I really, really didn’t. She had to set the divine base for the spell in the first place, seal it in collaboration with me, and keep the party alive all at the same time. There will never  _ not _ be a day when we don’t marvel at what she’s capable of.”

Soon’s father looked displeased. Dorukan thanked the gods that they arrived at the palace gates right then.

And there was Kraagor, ready and waiting, Aki and their familiar next to him, both smiling like they were in on a secret.

Dorukan grinned at them, walked Zfrv’Ul through the gates, and promptly took off running to warn his wife what was coming, and remind her that if she broke her promise and killed Soon’s dad the paladin would never forgive any of them.

Kraagor and Aki greeted the armored… he looked vaguely like a soldier, and promptly flanked him on either side, grabbing one arm each and dragging him into the palace.

Kraagor remained silent, as Aki chattered about their girlfriend Emiko, only getting louder and more swoony as Zfrv’Ul’s frown deepened.

The barbarian could have told him not to encourage them, but he really didn’t want to, so he continued to keep his mouth shut when Zfrv’Ul cut them off.

“Are you aware that this is a completely improper relationship? You should seek companionship with a  _ man _ , young lady.”

“...I’m not a girl,” Aki said.

“Oh- my deepest apologies, good sir-”

“I’m not a boy either.”

Kraagor barely held in a snicker at the look on Zfrv’Ul’s face.

“Then… what are you?”

“I’m nonbinary. I don’t identify with either gender. You can use they and them, for my pronouns.”

_ Okay, now I’m worried. Emiko, please arrive soon. _

“Wha-”

“Oh! Darling, Kraagor, and… Zfrack?”

“It’s  _ Zfrv’Ul _ ,” he said, in a voice so pompous Kraagor found it to put even Dorukan’s self-absorbed lectures to shame.

“Sorry. I’m Emiko, Aki and I are dating. Which is probably why Soon no longer puts us on missions together. I think he’s worried we’ll start snogging and forget to do our jobs.”

“I highly doubt that, since you’re, y’know,  _ paladins of the Sapphire Guard _ , but okay,” Kraagor says.

Zfrv’Ul’s eyes narrow considerably. Aki promptly runs up to Emiko, spins her around, and plants her in a liplock more intense than Serini’s romance novels.

Kraagor shields his eyes. This does nothing to block the sound.

“Aki, Emiko, please stop making out in the hallway,” Akemi says, breezing up to the group with all the sophistication of a truly perfect diplomat (which she is). “It’s rude. Ah, Mr. Zmy’Sulv. A pleasure to finally meet someone punctual. The Guard has taken the liberty of arranging a luncheon at the Kimura household today- Lord Ronjo will be in attendance, and he hopes to see you there, as well as for tea this afternoon. Aki, Emiko- would you be so kind as to check in with Maito and Kaito, and see how things are going?”

“Yeah, we’ll check on the twins,” Aki said, and before Kraagor knew it, the two were racing off hand in hand.

He gave Akemi a sympathetic look. Akemi gave Zfrv’Ul an utterly ruthless smile.

_ Lawful Good does not mean Lawful Nice. _

“Now. I’m told you have some experience with magical items?”

The man nodded, and Kraagor gave an internal grin.

“I recently found a brooch, on one of our missions, that seems to be enchanted.”

Akemi pulled it out. It was silver, plain but polished, and had a tiny heart engraved on it.

The heart had not been there yesterday, and Kraagor wondered how many extra enchantments Aki had been able to hide in it.

“Ah, lass, let me hold that. I don’t want one of Soon’s best paladins to take the hit if it’s cursed,” the dwarf said, and Akemi dropped the brooch into his outstretched hand.

They both glanced at each other like they were thinking the exact same thing: this offer of Kraagor’s to hold the thing would appeal to Zfrv’Ul’s sexism and obsession with honor, and Kraagor got to compliment the woman in the same sentence (he had been told by every member of the Guard, individually, at different times, that he was very good for the ego).

“I appreciate the kindness, Kraagor. You know, you’re the only man I’ve ever met brave enough to even hold an unidentified magical object.”

Kraagor could clearly see four things on Akemi’s face when she made that statement. One, she was trying her hardest not to burst out laughing. Two, she knew  _ exactly _ what Zfrv’Ul’s reaction would be, and three, was hoping to get that very reaction out of him.

Four, she was, so far, utterly eliminating all competition when it came to cunningly hilarious plans of the day.

The dwarf was utterly content to watch as Zfrv’Ul snatched the brooch, made some statement about having an age-worn resistance, and put it on.

Results were both instant and the most glorious thing Kraagor had seen since Dorukan failed a spell and turned Soon into a kitten, and Girard promptly sold said Soon Kitten to the innkeeper’s daughter, who was a five year old girl with a fluffy pink brain so nauseating the party was tempted to just leave him to his fate.

Before, Zfrv’Ul had been standing in the hallway in plain clothes and worn armor.

Now, he was standing in the hallway in a neon pink ballgown that looked like a wedding cake and had a skirt the size of Soon, Mijung, and Girard’s bed, with lime green accents, about twenty layers of neon yellow underskirts, and bright pink lipstick, blush, eyeshadow, and mascara to match.

Dorukan, or Kraagor, or Soon would have rolled with it. Any member of the Guard would have rolled with it. Girard would have instantly created a drag persona and singed up for the nearest show, or he would have set it on fire and thrown it out the window for offending his fashion sensibilities.

Zfrv’Ul shrieked so loudly and in such a high pitch Kraagor was calling it divine intervention when the windows didn’t shatter.

The dwarf was infinitely glad for the beard that hid the way his mouth turned up at the edges, and Akemi simply covered her mouth to hide her smile.

The two of them got the brooch off him, just in time for Ishonen to walk into the hallway, trip on air, and faceplant at Akemi’s feet.

_ “If I just put on the Boots of Fumbling and play dumb I can probably delay him,” Ishonen had said earlier that night.  _

_ “And since mother’s luncheon is seven courses and at least three hours long, we won’t have to procrastinate nearly as long as we would have otherwise,” Maito said. _

_ “I am highly in favor of all us boys pretending to be dumbasses so Chickenshit Father gets his worldview as fucked over as we can get it,” Kaito added. _

_ “I thought we  _ weren’t _ just acting like it was a normal day,” Chiyo muttered. _

Kraagor was brought back to the present by Ishonen’s pained mumbling about not putting on magical items he hadn’t identified yet the next time he found them.

Zfrv’Ul went red. Akemi bent down and used Lay on Hands to heal Ishonen’s broken nose. 

“A- ow. Thanks,” Ishonen said sheepishly.

“I’ll carry you to the cursebreaker,” Akemi groused, and promptly threw Ishonen over her shoulder like the armored potato sack he was.

“Are you sure you’ll be able to do that?” Zfrv’Ul asked, with all the sincerity of a truly ignorant asshat. 

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Women tend to be much physically weaker-”

Akemi was already rounding the corner.

“She can,” Kraagor replied. “She’s the strongest member of the Guard.”

“Then my son must have some truly awful standards.”

“I have yet to meet a single one of his paladins who was incapable of taking on a dragon by themselves. Every time, without fail, this was due to Soon’s amazing teaching. He doesn’t have standards. He has teaching skills instead.”

The two stood in the hallway for a moment, Zfrv’Ul glaring at the dwarf and Kraagor staring back at the human with the stubbornness of a thousand mules.

“Ah! Sir,” Kaito said, bowing as he came around the same corner Akemi had vanished around.

“Pleasure to meet you,” Maito said, bowing as well. The twins rose in perfect unison. Kraagor knew they’d spent almost three hours practicing.

“Our mother invites you to the luncheon she has hosted in honor of the Sapphire Guard,” they chorused, at the same time, in the same tone, with the same pitch.

And they were identical. It was kind of scary.

Zfrv’Ul smiled. Kraagor was almost sympathetic- the poor bastard had no idea what he was getting into.

Mrs. Kimura loved hosting the Guard and the Order (which now included Mijung as an honorary seventh member), because they were wonderful guests to have (the dwarf had been kind of lying when he’d given the speech about the Guard being great because of Soon’s teachings- yes, it was mostly due to that, but all fourteen of them were good kids with sharp minds. The fact that the Sapphire Guard was comprised of the best house guests you would ever have? That was  _ all _ Soon).

But not even the Twelve Gods could help anyone who came into her home and disrespected a single member of the Sapphire Guard, the Order of the Scribble, or her family, and that included her, her four kids, her husband, her in laws, and her cats (which were all adorable, fuzzy, well behaved, and wonderfully cared for by the Kimura family).

And Dorukan and Lirian- who were doubtlessly already there, Lirian doing Mrs. Kimura’s gardening so she had time to cook and Dorukan cleaning up the house with the twins, their older and younger sisters, and Mr. Kimura- had probably already told her everything they knew, and knowing Chickenshit Father (as he had been dubbed during last night’s planning session, surprisingly enough by Ronjo) and Dorukan took a meandering hour to get here, he’d fucked  _ something _ up in front of the wizard, and since he would tell Lirian and Lirian would tell Mrs. Kimura…

“Gods fucking help your doomed soul,” Kraagor muttered, as Maito and Kaito came to either side of Zfrv’Ul and started leading him to the Kimura house for lunch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Girard's nicknames for Soon and Mijung:
> 
> Soon: athear, which is 'celestial' in Draconic.  
> Mijung: kepesk, which is 'storm' in Draconic.
> 
> The more you know *throws glitter*.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so fucking tired ya'll my sleep schedule hates me

“It really is wonderful of you to come,” Maito and Kaito said in unison, slightly tightening their grips on Zfrv’Ul’s arms. Kraagor had trotted after them the whole way, even as every member of the Guard besides Ronjo joined them on the road to the Kimura house. Chiyo was currently chatting with Aki about applying their levels in Wizard to being paladins, the both of them talking about some highly advanced magic Kraagor wouldn’t pretend to understand.

Everyone else was similarly but subtly annoying Chickenshit Father; Ishonen most notably, as he had bribed Akemi into carrying him bridal style the whole way.

“Oh, it’s no trouble. I’m sure your mother is a lovely woman.”

“Indeed she is. She takes her house rules quite seriously, though the only one you should worry about is that no guest is to be disrespected under her roof,” Akemi said, still flawlessly composed despite the human trainwreck in her arms. Ishonen still had the Boots of Fumbling on, and Kraagor was wondering where they’d  _ actually _ gone, if not to the castle cursebreaker.

“Hm. Women aren’t usually so prideful as to think they run the household.”

Kraagor opened his mouth to cut the guy off and lay into him with either words or his axe, he hadn’t decided, when the Kimura house came into view.

Ronjo, Lirian, Dorukan, and the Kimura family (sans cats) stood out front, all of them with worried looks trained on-

“Soon!?” Kraagor shouted.

The paladin was standing just inside the front gate of the house, in the formal dress he usually wore as a speaker for Ronjo to foreign nations. Girard and Mijung, likewise dressed to the nines, stood on either side of him, both of them looking less that pleased.

Soon’s stone grey eyes were full of the kind of focused rage that usually preceded a very abrupt end to the life of whoever it was focused on, and that glare was centered directly on his father. 

Kraagor, for the first time since the last sealing of the Gates, was worried that Soon might actually make this a battle. If it came to a fight outside the Kimura’s house (Soon would never ruin Mrs. Kimura’s garden- even he had a healthy fear of her wrath), Zfrv’Ul would doubtlessly lose, and he’d probably be the only lasting casualty, but that’d still put Ronjo’s image on the line, and what if-

The dwarf cut off his internal monologue as Chickenshit Father broke away from the group and began striding towards his son. Soon looked  _ mad _ \- like, honest to gods might commit murder in broad daylight mad. Kraagor kept pace with Zfrv’Ul- he wasn’t letting Soon do something stupid (deserved though it may be).

The two of them paused, just out of sword range should Soon choose to attack.

“Soon.”

“Father. What’s this I hear about you attending Mother’s wedding?”

_ Oh. _

_ Oh, shit. _

Kraagor immediately and violently flashed back to the day, a couple months ago, when Soon’s mother had come into town (she loved her son and her two daughters, and she wasn’t sure how to show it, so while her visits weren’t frequent, she always made them special). The paladin had introduced her to all of them- the two had a good relationship, and though she had left around Soon becoming a teenager, neither of them held any grudge about it.

She’d come to tell Soon she was engaged again, to a physician in a city not too far east from here- a woman who’d worked for the palace for the bit, and had been very well liked by the Guard. Kraagor didn’t know much else about it, but the two had spent the entirety of her three day stay together, and they’d both seemed pretty happy.

“I’m not about to let your mother fall from grace and marry a woman. It’s bad enough she only bore me one son. I’ll not see it get any worse.”

“If that’s the case, then I’m afraid you no longer get a say in the matter. Leave. Now. Back on the path you came from, away from Mother, away from me, and away from my family. Or I  _ will _ make you.”

Zfrv’Ul narrowed his eyes.

“That’s no way to speak to your father.”

Girard had loosely curled his hand around one of Soon’s wrists. The paladin’s knuckles were white, his hands clenched so hard Kraagor wondered if he’d cut off his circulation. Mijung’s hand was in the pocket of her kimono- resting on her spellbook, no doubt. Dorukan already had his out, and Lirian looked relatively calm, but Kraagor could see from here that she’d leveled into a subtle fighting stance.

“You’ve lost the right to call yourself that,” Soon growled.

“Just because I was generous enough to let your mother give you her family name does not mean I am any less your superior!”

Girard spoke before Soon could.

“No. But the fact that you arrived here solely to make my husband miserable? Does. My grandfather was a black dragon. I come from a large family of very, very powerful sorcerers. Your further angering me- and, by extension, all of them- would be incredibly ill advised.”

Chickenshit opened his mouth. Kraagor gave in to anger and cut him off.

“You heard his ultimatum. It is backed by the Lord of the City, four of the most powerful spellcasters alive, the entirety of the Sapphire Guard, and my ability to flick my wrist and cut you in half. I’ve listened to you steadily get stupider and stupider, and knowing why you were Rezzed just kinda makes me want to shut you up. By forcibly and messily removing your vocal chords. So either you realize that you’ve done enough damage and are outmatched, outnumbered, and surrounded, or I am not liable for any limbs you might not leave this city with.”

Chickenshit turned to Kraagor.

“I thought the dwarves to be a race of honor.”

“Yes, we are. To the point where we’re honorable enough to get our heads out of our asses and realize that as long as it’s not causing harm to anyone, there’s really no reason for us to interfere with it. You came back from the dead  _ just _ so you could hurt people. So you could hurt your ex wife, and your son, and all the people they’d found who  _ actually _ loved them- and then use your ‘lifestyle’ as an excuse, just like, oh, clerics of Loki! Or Lolth! Or Nergal! Or the dictators in the West! Or everyone who tried to stop us from sealing the rifts because they didn’t care if it destroyed the world, they wanted what they wanted and fuck everyone else! Maybe, if you’d been a more honorable man, Soon wouldn’t have  _ had _ to find a family rather than grow up with one, but as it is, you weren’t, you’re not, and you never will be, so unless you do want to become another faceless narcissist on our list of enemies, I’d advise that you leave. Now. Or  _ we _ will all make you, so Soon doesn’t have to.”

Kraagor had expected him to huff and leave, or maybe give him an excuse to use his axe, but instead, Chickenshit turned back to Soon, opened his mouth, and began lecturing him about ‘proper conduct’ and ‘true marriages’.

The dwarf was ten words away from cutting him down, but Akemi, ever pragmatic, simply handed Ishonen to Suoh, walked over, and threw Chickenshit over her shoulder.

“I’ll dump him outside the city. You guys start eating- I’ll probably be back in time for the last four courses.”

And so, with everyone’s wide eyes fixed on her, Akemi marched off, but not so quickly that Maito couldn’t stuff a gag in Zfrv’Ul’s mouth.

The tension vanished with Zfrv’Ul, and Kraagor walked up to Soon, who looked on the verge of tears.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” Soon said, sniffling a bit. “It’s just nice to be loved.”

Kraagor patted the paladin’s knee, and Girard wrapped an arm around his waist while Mijung grabbed his free hand. Lirian and Dorukan came up, each putting a hand on one of Soon’s shoulders- had Serini been there, she would be mirroring Kraagor.

“Well,” Mijung said. “We’re all off work and the best cook in the city made us lunch. I, for one, am not wasting the opportunity.”

Soon laughed, the Guard smiled, and everyone filed inside to gorge themselves on Mrs. Kimura’s excellent cooking. Akemi returned about a half hour later- to Mrs. Kimura giving her a massive hug, a ‘thank you, dear’ and a completely full plate.

Mijung and Girard framed Soon the whole night. Kraagor, Lirian, and Dorukan were staying the night in their house, since they’d deliberately picked one with the guest rooms for it, and so that night, the got to watch as Soon was asked to officiate his mother’s second wedding.

All of them and the Guard were invited, and they all attended. The wedding was beautiful- small, but elegant, with good music and good food. Soon’s mother, one Erina Kim, was a lovely and very kind woman who had a glare that made even the paladin’s (all but Soon) cower. It was one that, fortunately, Soon had inherited. 

He cried almost as much as the newlyweds did. At the reception, with all of them crowded around a table, Akemi and Kraagor told her what the Guard and the Order had done to her ex husband.

She and Soon laughed so hard their ribs hurt, and when news of her ex husband being outside came and the two just locked the doors and went back to being so happy it hurt their cheeks, everyone involved in the scheme silently counted it a resounding success.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not even sure why I wrote this and at this point all I know is I can't stop.


End file.
